Because same-sex marriage is now
legal in the whole of the United States, we might be tempted to feel that the
work of gay-rights activists and queer ethicists is done. This could not be
further from the truth. Marriage equality is merely the first brick laid in a
long road to tolerance and equality. One concept that I find to be useful in
talking about the ethics of same-sex marriage is that of “respectability.” As
Michael Warner brought up throughout his book on queer ethics, The Trouble with Normal, “respectability” is not synonymous with human
dignity, but rather a social and internal pull towards hiding the sexual nature
of one’s life.
We see the rhetoric of the
“respectable” gay all over our media today. Especially in regards to the
legalization of same-sex marriage, “respectable” gays are portrayed as married,
monogamous, domestic, white, and living the suburban American dream. We need to
look no further than one of ABC most-watched sitcom in America, Modern Family, to see this kind of
“respectable” gay. The United States public is more or less comfortable with
two white men being married, raising a daughter, and living in the suburbs. Of
course, provided that the ‘sexual’ part of their sexuality is kept to short
pecks on the cheek and lips.
According to Warner in his chapter
on Beyond Gay Marriage, the danger of
this type of respectability in same-sex marriage, “is designed both to reward
those inside it and discipline those outside it: adulterers, prostitutes,
divorcees, the promiscuous, single people, unwed parents –in short, all those
who become, for purposes of marriage law, queer.” While I’m not sure if I agree
with the argument that marriage is designed
to do all this, I can see how promoting marriage can result in a status of “un-respectability” of those who fall outside
the lines of “normal.”
It is not so much that I think that
marriage, gay or straight, is unethical (although Warner would beg to differ),
but that it is unethical to assign people respect and dignity based on whether
or not they are married. It is wrong for our society to assign “respectability”
only to gays who play by the rules, get married, and settle down. What is even
more unethical is for queers to act upon what Warner calls “sexual shame” and
believe that they can only be dignified if they choose to get married.
As someone who highly values
monogamy and believes it has the potential to be fulfilling and life affirming,
I also understand that choosing marriage is not right for all people in all
circumstances. One obvious example of this would be an abusive monogamous
marriage. This is an extreme example, but it reveals that marriage in and of
itself is not somehow superior or more respectable than other kinds of
relationships, or even being single. But, we know this. We know that countless
marriages are not healthy, happy, or even dignified for those in it, yet we
still hold it up on a pedestal as the highest way of having a relationship in
being human.
Now that marriage equality is a
legal reality in the United States, I think it is important to keep in mind the
faulty rhetoric of who is “respectable” and who is not. As positive sentiments
and tolerance for “respectable” married gays continue to rise in the U.S., we
must not exclude tolerance for LBGTQ people who do not choose and do not want
this kind of lifestyle. Those who believe in the dignity of all persons must
not make the mistake of categorizing between “good gays” and “bad gays,” with
the good being those who are married, and the bad being those who are not.
Warner critiques marriage as being
“unethical” because he assumes that it will always be held in a privileged
position that points to other ways of being that are then assumed to be
“undignified.” However, I don’t think that it has to be this way. I think there
is room for LGBTQ activists and queer ethicists to ban together to work on
carving out space for those outside of marriage to be understood as equally
dignified and worthy of respect. While I do not know what kind of forms of
activism would be most effective in making this happen, I think it is a vital
next step in securing equal rights and treatment for all sexual and gendered
minorities. Now that the fight for marriage equality is over, LGBTQ activists
can shift their focus to fighting for the political and social rights of those
who find themselves outside of the current definition of “normal” and
“respectable.”
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