How the Societal Norm Promotes Sexual Shame

I belong to a majority American populous that gets to exercise freedom in embracing the norm. These norms range from many different things whether they are political, social, or economic. However, one norm that can be especially damaging is  heteronormativity and the emphasis of being in perfect heterosexual relationships eventually idealized through the form of marriage. I make the argument that the norm is the most harmful thing to take place in society as it marginalizes multiple groups of people and sparks shame in self-identity and sexuality from anyone who deviates from the what is accepted and privileged.

Normative sex can be found in modern American society by analyzing what Michael Warner provides as hierarchies of shame in his book The Trouble with Normal. He uses this hierarchy to point out what is desired and inappropriate when it comes to sex and sexuality. Warner defines, “Good, Normal, Natural” sex as sex that is, “heterosexual, married, monogamous, procreative, noncommercial, in pairs, in a relationship, same generation, in private, no pornography, bodies only, [and] vanilla” Therefore, any type of sex that is found in another form outside of this normal is conceived as bad and unnatural in society. This can create multiple repercussions for individuals outside of the norm and particularly demonizes the LGBTQ community by perpetuating harmful shame and guilt.

This is why I argue that normalities, although may feel good, are exceptionally harmful to society as they constrain identities and pull together marginalized individuals driving them further into damaging structures. The norm does not stimulate an atmosphere of acceptance but rather is an unattainable privilege that perpetuates injustice on other members of society.

In my opinion, what is so cruel about normative standards, especially in regards to human sexuality and sex acts, is that it drives forward shame in society which can be extremely devastating to the human person both physically and emotionally. According to psychologist Ethan H. Mereish, people who belong to sexual minorities (i.e. LGBTQ individuals and others who engage in queer sex outside of the good, normal, natural label that Warner constructed) are at a much higher risk for mental and physical health problems than their heterosexual counterparts because of what he explains as, “institutional heterosexism, sexual prejudice, and discrimination.” It is here that these stressors along with Mereish’s studied analyses of isolation and shame that these individuals had exceptionally higher rates of cardiovascular stress, anxiety, and depression.

Now, understanding this data there is an interesting correlation between shame and deviating from the sexual norm that is harmful to these individuals. If heterosexual marriage feels good to a partnership and is very vanilla it is hard to see how this can be a bad thing. If this is the way that individuals want to act sexually and embrace themselves how is it fair to tell them not to? Well, I believe that in order to address this shame simply making homosexuality the norm is not the right option. Instead, and I believe many people would make this argument too including Warner, normativity needs to be diminished entirely so that it does not exist at all.

The problem that I have with normal is that it is politicized and publicized to being the only acceptable thing in society; because of this privilege is then bestowed upon those who fit the sexual norm and other members are ostracized and quite literally are unable to attain basic human rights to freedom of expression and sexuality. Being a white heterosexual cisgendered woman I need to understand that I am given a privilege in my sexual identity and the way that I choose to engage in sex acts. Although this is what I fit into and what feels good to me, which in itself is not necessarily wrong, it is wrong and unjust of me to reap the benefits that come from my heteronormativity. I need to understand my privilege and I need to depoliticize sexual identity norms so that LGBTQ members can be addressed in a respectful and just way allowing full participation in society.

Through this, it makes deconstructing the norm easier and allows us the opportunity to seek a normal in which nothing normal truly exists.

Through this, everyone can engage in privilege and live a healthy life without fear of shame and isolation because they deviate from the norm entirely.

Through this, sexuality will no longer need to be politicized and people can engage in whatever feels right for there is no sexuality, sex act, or identity that is better than the other. Instead, it is all social constructions that we have made as a society determined to separate and enslave others. We ultimately have done this so that we can determine how individuals live their lives without the opportunity for those individuals to choose for themselves.